Confessions of an Egotist- How America enabled the Indian-ness in me.

The emotions running through were extreme.  A high sense of pride and ego was the current flavor. The facts that I was evading responsibilities, leaving my comfort zone; breaking away from my close knit network never deterred me. All I dreamt of was pursuing a higher degree in America. I never deny the fact that I did need a change, a change from the monotonous life and an excellent system of family values and traditions. I wanted a new sky to explore and a new society to look forward to. I was young and there I stood wanting to experiment how well this identity of mine performed in a completely new environment.

 America bowled me over with all the materialistic pleasures one could imagine of. Every inch of land gave me utmost freedom and a sense of well being. The first few months were a visual treat with vibrant colors and limitless independency.  I was on a high; I had the liberty to walk to every shore of life and watch beautiful sunsets. It was a romantic and sensual affair with my own soul. Then it happened.

 Life in America questioned my ego, the ego with a diplomatic attitude, a positive outlook, a simple view of society and a transparent heart.  Life was not the same anymore. These characteristics of mine hurt me in more ways than anyone can think of.  It was bound to happen. I was amongst the people who had left behind everything to make a mark for themselves in this new land. But what I dint know was that the society around me was a society which had left behind its values, culture and roots. The over independent lifestyle had developed a mean, cheap and dangerous attitude of being self centered. I did change.  The ego of wanting to be successful in terms of society had helped me change beyond what I had imagined of. I was not the essential me when I stopped being emotional, stopped being diplomatic and started seeing the people around with contempt and hatred. Every person who talked to me was one with an intention to reap a benefit was my idealistic attitude.

It did help me succeed. Life seemed much better than what it was. But it was dangerous termite. It started eating the woods of a dense emotional forest I had built. There I was looking for love amongst the cold hearted and self centered. I could not find my soul. Being a highly ambitious person I had to master my own intellect, fight my own fears and live in the society where being self centered was right. Now I have changed beyond repair. Being away from India I lost my huge network of friends, an idealistic society and essentially my soul. It’s been chaotic.  The emotional trauma I have been facing is for real.

I have also been extremely pessimistic about life and its value. I am in a state where relationships, success and values don’t mean anything to me. Then there is this sadistic attitude. Sometimes it does surprise me when I try to please the people around me through my success. It does hurt me when I made the wrong choice of stepping away from India. It does irritate me when I try to find answers to unknown questions.  The confession that my ego has been detrimental is true and it continues to prove its worth. But the reality is I have not tried to change. I find a joy in being able to recognize self centered people and stay away from them. I have found success to be a remedy to all the harsh realities of life. I have always been excited about satisfying the society’s appetite in judging my life.  I have never found a reason to be good to people unless they have been to me. I see intelligence in being able to judge a person beyond his own nature. I see jealousy as a stepping stone to be successful. But what I don’t see is a young, soulful side of me.  

The American society has given me a lost identity- the identity of someone like me.  The decision to come back to my roots was evident. I had realized where i needed to find my soul. Like a bird which travels throughout the day to find its own sky and returns back home to its nest I wanted to travel back to India.

 I want to relive those days of being simple and enjoy the simple aspects of life like sipping a cup of coffee or reading the newspaper. I do want to see all the drama of life in daily soaps and experience larger than life films, society and politics. I do want chaos, rich marriages and festivals. I want the entire Indian ness associated with India.

That’s when I would be what I was earlier. I have realized that my character exists with the environment am in and the society built around it. This is where I get to exist and not just live my life. This is where I would find my identity. This is where I would realize the importance of being culturally oriented and strong rooted.

I want to showcase my life in a new stage and before a new audience.  When I look at the mirror I want to see the soul within me. I want to be calm, focused, emotional, humble and simple. I no longer want to be a foreigner among foreigners. I want to lead a good life, find love again and find an ego worthy of having.

“Every man of action has a strong dose of egoism, pride, hardness, and cunning. But all those things will be regarded as high qualities if he can make them the means to achieve great ends. “ - Giorgos Seferis