It is worse to want to die and not be able to. Death is difficult!!

If the title of this blog reflects absolute pessimism in me don’t blame me, blame the circumstantial evidence!! This fateful morning my close friend received a call about her previous employer’s health. She had been diagnosed with brain hemorrhage and her condition was getting worse in the hospital she was admitted to. Even though I don’t know this person personally enough to sympathize, a sudden indifference of life called death questioned the very object of my own existence. She had been a boon to all the Indian students as she had been the first employer on campus to provide an opportunity for the students to earn their own piece of bread at the Child Development Center where she had been instrumental in bringing up young kids. What can be more blessing than  a job where you bring up kids , observe their burgeoning skilled abilities of mastering the mundane acts of life like walking, talking or crawling and what can be more ironical than death of a person who has led her life seeing the very essence of life in kids!!!

   Death had never been a fear factor for me. Now it is when I am seeing the routine world with matured intellect and aging mind. I know, to most of the people death is intimidating and there are a few lively souls out there whose jobs demand staring death in its eyes every minute. I know I can’t fit into the second category but mom I wish I could learn not to fear death. Chuck Palahnuik an American novelist once quoted “If death meant leaving the stage long enough to change costume and comeback as a new character, would you slow down? Or Speed Up? “. I don’t know how my soul would react to this.  Let me tell you guys that I am neither trying to instill the fear of death in you nor marketing pessimism. Its been a long time since the process of introspection has happened. I have sincerely realized that as long as I exist, death is not here. And when it does I no longer exist!! I want that transition from life to death to be amazing and glorified. I know death is ordinary because it happens all the time. Let me stop my repeated pessimism and take you to the hospital where I went to see the immortal soul. To be frank, I have always avoided the places of death ( I don’t know how to term them!!) because I am too incapable to face people on deathbeds. But today I wanted to know how it is for people who die in this country. As I reached the critical care unit I could see a large gathering of people. I don’t care if you consider me a momentary sadist , I measure a person’s popularity or success by the number of people who turn up for the death ceremony. The situation looked gloomy enough but trust me there were no tear wet faces or loud cries. Its not that I hate these symbolic acts of celebrating death, they are too pessimistic and sad. Upholding the eternal truth that Americans have clarity in everything her brother took us to a dark corner of the room( or it seemed so) and explained every minute detail of her last moments of life. I was dumbstruck at the two facts he gave out. Known for her extreme sense of independency she opened the back door of her house to let the doctors in( she had called them)  even when she was experiencing the biggest headache of her life after which she fell face down on the floor. Trust me you can never understand the definition of independency in her terms. All the while he talked to us he never uttered the word death. There is this statement he made which will make me yearn for something more out of life always!!

“Come join us in celebrating her life (With a smile)!!!” Don’t you think we all need to develop this sense of maturity of facing the death of a person with the lives of the people around him. This day has been quite emotional for me. I realized that death is nothing, to live defeated and inglorious is to die, to die daily. I don’t want to face a situation where in three days after a person’s death his hair and finger nails continue to grow but phone calls taper off!! I want to live deeply having no fear of death. I want every moment to be satisfactory, fun filled and glorious. I want to be as humble as always, as simple as needed, as successful as one can be, as self sufficient as life demands and as indifferent as death lives. I have decided to conquer all my fears starting with fear of heights. So I want to skydive (Don’t worry mom I will call you before I do that). Ok mom I promise you and myself to live life indifferent to death.